Okay, now, you're all here because you have been suspended
from work for sexual harassment.
But through this seminar,you will learn
the skills to keep you from making the same kinds
of mistakes that got you here.
Excuse me, Mr. Winerslav?.
It's pronounced "Weener-Slave."
Okay... Jeffrey, is there anything I can do to speed
this process up so I can just get back to work?.
I'm afraid not.
But someone who's in a rush to get back to work?.
[Chuckles] That's something you don't see every day.
[Laughs] Now, that is an example
of a very appropriate and very, very funny joke.
[Woman laughs]
Jenna, I need to speak with you.
Jack, I did not hit that Asian page.
I was just swinging my arm and she walked into me. Twice.
Jenna, it's not about that.
It's about your Sheinhardt- Universal Janis Joplin biopic.
Wait, we can call her Janis Joplin?.
We got the life rights?. It's not Janie Jimplin anymore?.
Apparently, neither name cleared.
It looks like your character is going to be called
Jackie Jormp- Jomp.
Oh, okay. So what's the good news?.
I didn't say there was any.
Sheinhardt-Universal did some focus testing this week.
We got 100?.
You're holding that upside down.
Oh, no.
Yes, I was afraid of this.
It turns out not having the life rights or any Janis Joplin songs
was a negative for audiences.
But what about my duet with Jimi Hendrickson at Woodstocks?.
??? We're all here at Woodstocks ???
??? Someday, there will be a black president ???
Uh, Jenna, Sheinhardt-Universal
does not want to release the picture.
And how will that affect my Oscar chances?.
Adversely...
unless we get independent distribution.
To do that, "Sing Dem Blues, White Girl
"The Jackie Jormp- Jomp Story" has got to get some buzz.
And I'm going to need your help for that.
Do you need a sex tape released?. 'Cause I got a weird one.
It's night vision
and you can see thathis buddy is robbing me.
No. Jenna, I want you on the P.R. warpath.
If there's a red carpet, I want you on it, talking up the movie
starting Monday.
The Kids' Choice Awards?. Fine.
I'll set aside my feud with Raven Symoné for one day.
But she knows what she did.
Miss Lemon...
You aren't supposed to be here.
You're on s-e-x probation.
Yeah, I know. I just wanted to stop by and check in.
Kenneth, stop.
I just want a script...
or a run-down, okay?.
Put that down. You give that to me, Kenneth.
Did you hear what I said?
[Whistle blows loudly]
Mr. Donaghy, help! Rule-breaking!
This is sad. Lemon, come with me.
Lemon, you know, you're supposed to go home
after your pervert seminars.
I'm going, I just hate not being here.
You have to rehearse!
Tracy: No! Passive resistance!
I learned that from Dr. King! I'm brave!
You sure you miss this?.
Yes. As crazy and stressful as this place is
not being here is worse.
I feel for you.
Remember that time I came back from the World Economic Forum
with mono and missed a week of work and I wanted
to pull my hair out but I couldn't because it's too thick?.
People like us, we need the stress.
We're only happy when we're overcoming obstacles.
You take that away, we start bouncing off the walls
spend our days jabbering at doormen.
Hey, I brighten their day.
Before I go, can I at least find out what Frank's hat says?.
"Constant Craving."
He can do better!
Has anyone looked at this sexual harassment stuff they gave us?.
I don't need to read it.
The whole thing is loosely based on an evening
I spent with Isaiah Thomas.
No wonder Liz got busted.
According to this, you can't do anything without it
being considered harassment.
Did you know you have to report in-office relationships?.
Is that true?.
It's the first thing listed. Have you read this?.
Well, I wanted to
because it's full of rules, but Ms. Vieira made me throw it away
and said pretty boys like me shouldn't be
filling their heads with ideas.
Uh-oh.
Hi, Frank.
Hello... co-worker. [Groans]
Ah, Ms. Vieira...
Of course my job is annoying
but that doesn't mean I don't love it.
I'm sure your job can be annoying.
Not all the tenants are as fun as me.
I get it.
Hey, would you mind if I brought a chair down here?.
Yes, my job is stressful, very stressful.
But in the end, I get paid to make people laugh.
[Sighs] We have a saying that laughter is the best medicine.
So, I'm kind of like a doctor here
Iike you were in Poland.
Liz: We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show
Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying
only raccoons get.
I can't believe I'm not there.
Hey! I... I've picked up some Polish from you guys.
[Speaking Polish]
It's kind of cold out for a jog.
Oh, I'm just going downstairs to the fitness center.
What?. This building has a gym?.
Yeah, it's the door right next to the vending machines.
Vending machines?. What kind?.
I don't know, sorry.
I'm Emily. Are you new to the building?.
No, I'm Liz. I've lived here for four years.
I usually work crazy, long hours.
But I'm on leave right now for... normal reasons.
And you're feeling a little lost.
I am.
Right now, I should be standing in a toilet stall
so nobody bothers me while I eat lunch.
God, I miss it!
I was an investment banker for 15 years--
80-hour work weeks,
corner office,
secret candy drawer.
And a decoy candy drawer to throw others off the trail?.
Smart.
The point, is you get addicted to the stress,
think it gives your life purpose.
And then, when you stop...
For normal reasons...
You see how stupid you were.
It just takes time to realize
there are much better ways to be happy.
Wait for me... Iady.
Kenneth, what can I do for you?.
Well, sir, I recently learned that company policy requires
that employees disclose
their relationships with their coworkers
to their immediate supervisor.
I am not your immediate supervisor.
There are perhaps 40 people between us.
Uh, Pete, for instance.
Oh, I just don't trust Mr. Hornberger, sir.
He has a ridge on the section of the skull
associated with deviousness.
Okay... so there's a girl?.
Yes, sir. Her name is Daphne.
She's one of the T.G.S. dancers.
And when I watch her dance, my heart skips a beat.
And not because of my acute "ventralitis."
[Bluesy music plays]
Wait, you're dating one of the dancers?.
Oh, no, sir. I actually haven't spoken to her yet.
But I have a long-term plan to marry her
and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions.
I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, also, I don't know if this is harassment
but someone at the Today Show made me eat
an unripe banana in front of her.
Dotcom: Hey, Ken.
Do you know who our immediate supervisor is?.
[Bluesy music plays]
I will not be able
to attend your wedding...
because of a prior conflict.
Oh, what's the special occasion?.
Weekday?. [Laughter]
Wow, so this is normal?. This is, like
your version of sweatpants and Pop-Tarts?.
Not too shabs.
Short for shabby?. Hilarious.
[Laughs]
This could be your life too, Liz
just short the housing market.
Or write a cookbook specifically for mixed-race children.
Or marry a rich, old dude who dies.
Clive, I want to say?.
Or have mild Lupus and great insurance.
Emily: So here is the plan for today.
Start with facials and massages...
Yes, please.
...private shopping at Bergdorf
swing by the dermatologist for a tune-up...
[Chuckles]
dinner at Jewel Bako
then a nightcap back here.
Oh...
Wow, that is a plan.
But, uh, I don't think I should go.
Liz is still stressed about her old job.
Oh...
It's just... it's Friday, and at my job, that is our biggest day.
I don't think I'd be good company.
But thank you for inviting me. I'll have one drink here.
Emily: Have two.
Mmm... but then, I really should go home
'cause I'm still in work mode.
I'm not really in spa, shopping mode.
I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.
And I don't want to crash your day together and ruin it.
Woman 1 : We're always together.
Thank you.
Woman 2: Cocktails!
Mmm. It's just so stressful thinking about my employees
trying to do everything without me.
Emily: Those look great on you!
Then I'm buying them!
I guess I'm just one of those people that needs work.
You know, I thrive there...
And it's gone?. Just like that?.
Man: Just like that!
Thank you, Dr. Binderman.
Woman 1 : Isn't he amazing?.
My point is, you are so sweet to include me.
Believe me... I'm jealous, but today is just not the day.
So, you know... I'll hang out with you guys
for a little bit and I'll have my one drink and...
what time is it?.
Almost midnight.
If we're going to get up in time for our mani-pedis
we really should turn in.
[Women kiss good-bye]
I forgot to watch my show. [Sighs]
I'm prepared to do a nipple slip if you need it.
Just talk about the movie.
Hi, I'm Ethan from Nick Magazine. Whose mom are you?.
Thank you. Well, tonight's about fun.
I'm wearing Taylor Dayne for Express.
And my peace sign, of course, is a nod
to Janis Joplin...
Dora the Explorer's Backpack!
Backpack! Is Map in you tonight?.
Here are your lunches, gentlemen.
Dotcom, I forgot to get you extra mustard.
All right! Enough!
This fighting stops now!
I'm sorry. Mr. Slattery hurt me. And now, I'm hurting him.
He'll never get mustard...
except for the mustard that comes with the sandwich.
I said I was sorry, Ken. I didn't even mean to hurt you.
Oh, really?. I love you too, Dotcom.
I didn't say...
I knew this would happen someday...
a woman would come between us.
Well, I'm not standing by.
I am taking action.
Oh, sir, before Miss Lemon left, I promised her
I wouldn't let you start any adventures.
Yeah, well, Liz Lemon's in jail now
and somebody has to step up
and take charge around here.
Let the problem-solving begin.
Are you Daphne?. Yeah, you're fired.
First, a backpack upstages me.
Then, the paparazzi kept calling me Dina Lohan.
And now, the Cyrus family has decided to rock
a bunch of funky hats.
You can't give up now.
Did Jackie Jormp- Jomp give up
when those vampires attacked Woodstocks?.
No one even knows I'm here.
Announcer: From Dreamworks' upcoming feature film
On Top of Spaghetti, Helen Mirren.
Good evening.
And now, we take a moment...
[Laughter]
You got me.
And now, we take a moment to remember those
we lost this year
in the Kid Entertainment Industry.
??? [Music plays] ???
[Audience cheers]
Was that me?. Did they just say I'm dead?.
I thought you spoke to the producers.
Look, Connor, if we don't get some traction
Jenna Maroney's picture's dead.
We need your help.
Maroney, picture, dead. Got it.
This is a disaster.
[Laughing] No, no. We hit the jackpot.
You being dead is the best thing
that ever happened to this movie. Jenna...
I want to Tupac you.
Fine, but I have to pee first.
No. No, no, no, no, no, Tupac Shakur, the rapper.
He sold 10 times more albums
when he was dead than when he was alive.
That's what we're going to do with this movie.
Die young, become a legend
just like Janis.
Or Rusty the Bear from The Magicals.
Yes.
Now, you just need to stay dead
while I sell the movie.
Oh, I can play dead.
I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.
Congratulations, Miss Lemon.
You've completed your sensitivity training.
Your suspension is up, and here is your certificate.
Wow. So I can... go back to work tomorrow?.
That's... soon.
Well, I know how eager you are to return to work.
I guess so.
But coming back to work isn't always easy.
Work means stress.
And stress can make you fall back
on old behavior.
So tonight, I want you to really think about
that first day back.
Visualize everything that's facing you.
Think about walking through that door and immediately
dealing with 100 different problems and responsibilities.
Your coworkers' demands on you, the long hours
the pointless meetings and endless phone calls...
think of the frustration, the futility
and the time that you will never get back
as you creep closer and closer to the grave.
Okay! Any questions for me?.
Just one: why don't you drop those Dockers
and give me a piece of that sweet ass?.
What are we doing today, ladies?.
More of the same!
[Laughter]
[Laughs]
[Phone rings]
Cello?.
Lemon, what the hell happened at your reinstatement hearing?.
Jeffrey "Weener-Slave" said you put your fingers in his mouth.
Did I?. Or did he put his mouth on my fingers?.
It's going to take at least six weeks paid leave
to get to the bottom of this.
I am very busy right now faking Jenna's death to sell her movie.
I'm not going to engage on that... mantra.
But I am calling H.R. and getting you back
for the next show.
No! I just, I need a little more time off.
I'm on humanity leave.
Good God. What Indigo Girls song is that from?.
"Syllabus of Us" off Vagabonds, Martyrs and Quilts.
The point is, I have met the most amazing
group of women, Jack. They just live.
And they spin every morning and they go to museums...
Lemon, you are not a rich divorce'.
I know, but I have some money saved, enough for two years...
maybe four if I give up cable.
So, I will come back to the show in four years.
You're fooling yourself. You know you can't live like that.
Yes, I can. Emily and her friends are happy.
Jack on phone: Believe me, there is no solace in their luxury
only deep despair.
How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?.
Listen, you are wrong about Emily. Oh, God!
Liz on phone: There's a spider nest in my yoga mat!
Mr. Jordan.
Mr. Jordan, what did you do?.
You fired Daphne?.
I had to. Friendship and trust in the entourage
is the most important thing...
Iike that HBO show
John Adams.
Well, me and Dotcom are back to being best friends.
We were never...
But the other dancers are refusing to come
to work out of solidarity with Daphne.
Hmm. Usually, this is the point in my process
when Liz Lemon steps in and takes care of everything.
Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.
Gonna take a nap. See you in 10 hours.
Kenneth, have any of the dancers come in yet today?.
Uh...
Pete, a word?.
Jenna's dead.
I don't feel anything. What's wrong with me?.
No, no, it's a marketing ploy
for her new movie.
But it means you won't have her for the show on Friday.
And you need to put together some sort of... on-air tribute.
We actually already have an obituary reel for Jenna.
We put it together after she cheated on that mobster.
That's good.
Eating right, working out, sleeping, and, boy...
is anybody else B-Ming like a rock star?.
Women: Mm-hmm.
All right, all right.
What's the hump day schedule look like?.
Oh, it's not Wednesday, Liz. It's Thursday.
I read somewhere it's Tuesday.
All: Oh.
Mr. Jordan, it's Friday.
We really need to tell Mr. Hornberger
that the dancers quit.
No, we don't. He's not even gonna notice they're gone.
Oh, my.
Tracy: These are the new dancers, Ken.
Say hi to Velvet.
Hello, Miss Velvet.
Just think, an hour ago
they were brawling in a parking lot. But tonight...
they're gonna be stars. Show Ken here what we worked on.
Oh, boy.
[Sighs] Boy, I am really starting to feel the benefits
of massages and yoga five days a week.
Check this out.
Emily: Look at you!
Last week, you were flipping out about missing work.
Ah, no, that's old Liz.
My boss kept trying to tell me
that I would go crazy living a life of leisure,
that it's unhealthy. [Laughs]
Well, he's actually right.
No. No, no...
He's not, Emily.
No, I used to be a neurosurgeon before Jasmine Guy and I
wrote our cookbook.
And the human brain needs stimulation or it atrophies
and your pleasure center literally shrinks.
That's why we do our...
special activity
to combat that.
What, like Sudoku?.
[Laughter]
Uh, we did a games night
for a couple of weeks... didn't last.
So charity work?.
No. Charity work sucks.
Should we tell her?.
Erin, it's too soon.
Punch me in the face, Liz.
I'm sorry, what?
[Glass shatters]
You heard me.
Punch me as hard as you can
and then, I am coming at you
Iike an animal.
Oh, God. Is this a fight club?.
The pain proves we're alive.
Aw, this is very disappointing.
Come on, hit me.
Get a taste.
I brought a roll of quarters to hold
in my fist.
God, Jack was right.
Oh, I have to get back to my show.
I need the show!
You want out, Liz?.
You're going to have to fight your way out.
Tracy: As we celebrate the life of Jenna Maroney...
The Coast Guard won't officially declare her dead yet.
But what the pirates did to that boat...
Well, it's a very generous offer. We'll be in touch.
Jenna, what the hell are you doing here?.
Shh, they're talking about me.
I'm really better today.
So's the laundry...
thanks to Cling Free.
[Applause]
That was some of Jenna Maroney's earlier work.
It's hard to believe that both of those women outlived her,
especially the woman on the right. We'll be right back.
[Applause continues]
A couple of gay guys are crying.
Oh, Jack, this is just the greatest night of my...
What the hell is that?.!
It's you. What's the problem?
It has the year I was born on it...
the real year,
not the actress year.
Now, almost a million people are
going to know that I'm f... f...
It's too late to change it, Jack.
Jenna, calm down.
I'm selling the movie in the next 1 2 hours, your movie.
Think about what matters here.
Stagehand: In five, four, three...
Tracy: And, finally, tonight...
what more fitting way to say good-bye to our friend
than with the gift she gave all of us, her music.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Itzhak Bemelmans and the Tracy Jordan dancers.
??? [Music plays] ???
[Applause]
Jenna: Give me a microphone!
??? Whole grain, low fat... ???
[Applause continues]
??? I know you want a piece of that ???
??? But I just want to dance ???
Still alive, not yet 32. Sorry, Jack, worth it!
I'm back.
What did it turn out to be?. Lesbians?.
No, fight club.
??? I know you wanna get with this, but I'm just here to dance. ???
Liz: This is a disaster.
What is wrong with you two?.
You guys mess up everything you touch
and then, I have to come in here and fix it.
I am so mad!
Why are you smiling?.
You're freaking me out!
Aw, you two troublemakers.
Come here!
She's gonna do something to us!
You're crazy!
[Laughs] I'm back, nerds!
Jenna: ??? My muffin top is all that ???
??? Whole grain, low fat ???
??? I know you want a piece of that, but I just wanna dance ???
??? Ch-checkin' out my sweet hips, my sugar-coated berry lips ???
??? I know you wanna get with this ???
??? But I'm just here to dance ???
??? So back up off of me ???
??? You're weirding me out (oh, oh!) ???
??? I'm an independent lady (oh!) ???
??? So do not try to play me (oh!) ???
??? I run a tidy bakery ???
??? The boys all want my cake for free ???
??? But if you can't shake your fakery ???
??? Then kiss my muffin top. ???